I'm going down - The Journey of rediscovery (Part One)


I think quarantine has finally gotten the best of me. 

I'm not me, when my hair isn't done or when my eyebrows haven't been waxed and it brings forth the notion of my happiness and whether or not it is tied to materialistic things. As I sit here on my bedroom floor, I can't help but wonder what happened to me? I think I have started to lose my identity, and while it can be argued it is because of my values and who I expect myself to be, I believe it is more than that. 

I can’t remember the last time I wrote a blog piece, but I really miss it. The way my fingers glide on the keyboard and the way I am able to express myself through words, knowing that there is a barrier between me and someone else. (Which is another topic for another time) I don't think I knew how much I needed to let people in with what is going on in my life and to not be afraid of judgment because it is going to come either way. 

I have recently started to binge watch One Tree Hill, just casually as I like to watch something as I knit. (insert shameless plug here:) The messages in this show are amazing and quite self-reflective.
I didn't realise how much I craved for attention, which is apparently tied to me being a Leo (cough, cough it's my birthday soon) but it's also important to understand my reactions and the way I feel when I don't get the things I desire for in life. One Tree Hill has taught me so much in such a short amount of time, and I am grateful for it. While the show goes back and forth between the different characters, I can't help but to resonate with pieces of each of them, and yes, I skip all the awkward scenes that are too close to home. But that’s okay right?

We all entered this year with goals of what we expected from ourselves as this year passed us by, I don't remember picking or choosing any, but what I do remember was the pressure I put on myself to lose weight, get abs - which I am still trying to do, and be happy. My journey to losing weight was going well, I was going to the gym I believe 2 days a week and doing about 4 classes, to aid in my weight loss for my cousins wedding, which unfortunately got cancelled due to Mr Rone. I was starting to feel better about myself, and what I was achieving so early in the year. I couldn’t see the changes, but I felt them, and that was okay?

Mr Rone came in and swept everything and everyone out. In some ways I am happy that Mr Rone came, because it allowed me to see who I am as a person, and what I long for in life, not only from myself but from what I expect from other people, but he has also made me realise that sometimes the things that we thought were important in life, were in fact false pretences. Everything we once thought was rock was truly sinking sand.

So once again as I sit here on my bedroom floor wondering what is next, I have things to do in order to aid my happiness and to get back to the person I used to be, I want to dig deeper into the reasons as to why I am so mean to people, why I don’t like being touched, what actually deterred me from doing performing arts, why I decided not to pursue a career in media, why so much has happened to me in short amount of time, why I take on burdens that are not my own, and maybe, just maybe I will be able to be truly happy again.

I need to investigate the reasons why I feel as if I can’t address situations head on, why I skip parts of shows that are too close to home. But most importantly why I attach weight loss to happiness, I have noticed that I tend to say it’s for something, but why is it never for me?

For those who will say, 'there's nothing wrong with you, Leeonie' or something like 'Thick thighs save lives' this ain't about what you think, it's about me. 

So here we go…welcome to the journey of rediscovery (not sure if this is an album or not, but just go with the flow)