It's okay not to be okay

Week 12. 

If I was able to foresee my year I do not think I would have pictured it anything like what it is now. A few weeks ago my Granddad passed away. I wasn't sure about how I would take it and believe it or not I took it really well. However, what I didn't know, was that I actually didn't take it well. When my Granddad first passed away I cried a little but apart from that, I was generally okay. I took sometime off work and thought that, that would be all the time I needed.

Boy was I wrong. 

It feels as if with each passing day a new weight keeps on being added to the cuffs of my feet. I have uni deadlines to deal with, work I haven't even started yet and every time I do try, I'm just not in the right mindset. I don't eat properly, my appetite isn't the same, I wake up and feel like a deflated balloon, someone can do as little as breathe next to me and all I want to do is rip their head off. I'm stranded in a place where I want to speak out but can't because it will hurt someone. 

Everyday comes with a new challenge. Every day of which I get closer to his funeral my heart gets heavier and it breaks a little bit more. I have never dreaded a week so much until now. I even tried to speak to the lady at work just to let her know that my Granddad had passed and I almost broke down. I haven't done that yet...break down.. I know that it is bound to come but I don't want it to. I know that the moment I do, I will come to terms with his death. 

I have never been so lonely. I thought that I was comfortable basking in my own era of loneliness but it turns out that I was wrong. Every time I get time to myself I am constantly thinking about my Granddad. What he did for me, what we did together, his voice, what he's doing now and it is something I don't want to be doing. I reminisce on the times we shared and where I felt I could have done more and it hurts. It hurts so much, knowing that I took him for granted. 

I feel as if I don't know what to do with myself. The head of the family is no longer, the man that gifted me with his name, is no longer. I was looking forward to the day I graduated university so that I could make him proud, that I too, would make it onto the board of 'The Graduated Grandchildren'. Now I know that I have to continue and do it for us both. 

I have been fortunate to have known a man as strong and funny as my Granddad, honestly, it has been an honour. I thought I was someone that was strong and could handle a situation like this, but the truth is, we can never know how something will affect us until we are in the mist of it all as strength is not defined as just physical and mental well being, but it is also the ability to know when to be vulnerable.