Sigh...

I haven't been as active on this blog as I used to, and for that I apologise. A lot of things have been happening over the past couple of months. My Granddad was diagnosed with cancer. He was previously diagnosed with prostate cancer, however now he also has cancer in his esophagus. Due to this he has lost a tremendous amount of weight and has been in and out of the hospital.

I didn't quite understand how the news would affect me, until it did. Before he was diagnosed, I noticed that he was losing weight and I questioned it. He was very dismissal about it and shrugged it off by saying that he was 'losing weight take the stress off his knees'. Looking back, I believe that because he shrugged it off, I did also. It was about a week after this, I received a phone call that my Granddad had fallen off his bed and so an ambulance had been called.

Granddad was admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks. Later, we found out that if we did not call the ambulance he would have had a hypo, and would have died.

As if this was not enough, a couple of weeks later, my Nan collapsed. Like clockwork, an ambulance was called and she was admitted to hospital for 2 weeks. While at the hospital my Nan was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer and at that moment it felt as if my foundation was crumbling right before me and I couldn't do anything to prevent it.

Over the 2 weeks she was admitted she seemed to be deteriorating before my eyes, weight loss and loss of hearing. If my heart could physically break it would have.

It is hard to keep your head up when moments like this come your way. I made sure that I kept my friends up to date with everything that was going on. On the other hand, I was at a loss for words when it came to telling my managers at work. Whenever I had tried to start a conversation about it I couldn't. My mouth started to go dry, my eyes started to water and an ever so known lump in my throat appeared. I couldn't do it, and I still haven't. By telling and informing the world, it makes everything real, and I am not ready for that.

I'm not ready for the sympathy. I'm not ready for my world to fall apart. I am not ready to say goodbye to two of the most important people in my life. They are the only grandparents I have right now, and it is hard for me to come to terms that I may not be able to see them ever again.

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