It's been a while

As time has gone, I have realised many things about the people around me and what I expect of them. Not only did I find what I was lacking in, but I also found out what was and is important to me. Not to long ago I had an interview for an ITV apprenticeship, and unfortunately I missed out on an amazing opportunity. I wanted, to not tell anyone that I was going for an interview and I got so caught up in the moment, that I blurted it. I wish that I didn't. I wish that I had kept it to myself because now, I have to tell the people I most care about that I didn't make it.

I was so sure the job was mine, I told my sister that it was mine for the taking. But it wasn't. When I heard the news I was devastated. I even tried to calm myself down by having a little stroll around the park, which ended with me being on the swings contemplating life. I don't enjoy uni, and this was the only thing that was helping me escape from going back to study for my second year. I don't know what to believe. I don't want to do something that I don't enjoy but I have to do something.

The other day I went out with my friend that I haven't seen in about 6 months and as we were catching up, I realised how much I missed having a best friend. I missed having someone to talk to about any and everything that was on my mind. Yes, I have friends that I can talk to outside of her but it's hard when they aren't available. When she was talking to me I found that I had left it too long from when I last spoke to her. What friend waits so long to meet up with their friend?

As I felt I had no one to talk to I found myself spiralling into the unknown depths of depression. I wanted to go out, but I had the fear of doing it alone. Whenever I do things alone people laugh at me, but I do it because no one else is there to be with me. Sometimes I wish that people could see in between the lines, rather than me always putting myself out there in order to get someones attention. Why does it seem that no one pays attention to me?

When they see me they acknowledge me, and the fact they haven't seen or heard from me in a while. Well why is that? Have you once bothered of thinking about me? Have you ever thought to pick up the phone and call me? My number hasn't changed. But is this just me being petty?

I started the beginning of the year to find myself a boyfriend, me and my friends called it #findleeonieaman2k17 and I thought that having a boyfriend would help me have someone who I could talk to and basically fill the void that I currently have. What I realise now is that the void I have is the void of having a friendship. A genuine friendship that expands from my 3 friends. I put myself in this situation of which I have backed myself in a corner and have limited myself. I am incharge of my own happiness, but how do you make friends without totally putting yourself out there?

The answer, I don't have one but if you do please let me know.